I am all too familiar with the same old scenario of one partner becoming overwhelmingly, obsessively controlling and the victim of these harsh and very dictatorial behaviors often is left reeling and telling themselves they never believed it would or could happen to them.
The harsh reality, however, is that these situations are all too common and all too real! I myself have a family member who fell victim to emotional and eventually physical violence. It breaks my heart to hear the stories of people crushed under the emotional battering they receive from someone they trusted.
The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness defines “relationship abuse” as a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Power and Control. Those two forces really do have a sort of addicting effect on people who are often so insecure they need to feel as though they have something in their life they can influence or manipulate.
According to sites such as Northwestern University’s Women’s Center webpage and other websites, perpetrators of violence are often very controlling, manipulative, easy to anger, jealous, and quick to blame others for their problems or mistakes. They make excuses for their behavior such as jealousy, fatigue, stress, or other common human struggles. However, most victims fail to see right away that the abuser is using these excuses as blinders to mask their actions.
It can be said that perpetrators feel little remorse or regret for what they do or have done. In the case of my former uncle, he assumes to this day, even after attempting to take the life of my aunt on numerous occasions, that he has never done anything wrong. He also threatened the lives of my family members because we, and I quote, “helped her get away” and he could never forgive us.
So, how can victims perceive these perpetrators as sweet, caring, and truly what’s best for them? How can people fall into the trap? Wouldn’t it be obvious? The obvious answer to that is no. It never fails, victims of abuse never wanted to wind up in the trap they find themselves in. Nobody wants to be oppressed. So how are they so unsuspecting?
In answer to that I give you an undeniable truth about human nature. We, as individuals in the deepest parts of our hearts believe there is good in everyone and it is amazing what the mind can look beyond when it wishes to ignore foul behavior and only embrace the good. It’s a dangerous path and without being prepared, it is all too easy for any person to become a victim. This is to say, no-one is really immune to being a victim and no man or woman can ever be prepared to face such an emotional toll.
How can this sort of treatment ever be mistaken for love? This is a very good question. Perhaps it is the perception that the controlling behaviors are simply “because they care” or “because they want what is best for you.” It is an easy excuse and one far too many people have written off as valid.
I am a very christian person and so I shall close by quoting a passage from my Bible.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
If you have ever experienced, witnessed, or even feared abuse you are not alone. This world is full of people whose hearts are very blackened by evil and whom fail to understand what it is they are doing. Be prepared! Be strong! Pray hard! Love easy! Trust slowly!
Life is good, love is amazing, power and control however are nothing but manipulative tools not to be confused with amorous attachments.
-faith
