Today was a lost battle. There are many battles, but only in my weakest days do I allow myself to lose. I allowed my absolute resentment and disgust over the actions of a person almost a decade ago to affect how I spoke with them today. I let the hate-filled memories fuel my actions because my overtired mind and body couldn’t find the energy to restrain it. Today, I battled with the bitterness I have been trying fruitlessly to pull out of for ten solid years, and it won me over.
It happened back when I was young. I was in a relatively new relationship with my now-husband and someone who felt they had some kind of say in his life felt compelled to try and dictate how we were allowed to express ourselves in our relationship. When they were around we could not act freely in any way and to this day the way his family allowed us to be treated has caused some of the biggest fights in my marriage in all of its 6 years.
We were attacked for ridiculous things- rubbing shoulders to soothe away a muscle ache, lying my head on his shoulder in the car after a long day, saying “I love you”. What I wore. How I sat. Whether or not we were alone.
I was treated as dirty and a bad influence by someone who thought themselves righteous enough to act so boldly. They knew nothing about me and yet felt they had enough experience over my boyfriend to try and influence his behavior. Apparently they did: he never felt comfortable enough with them to tell them off- or maybe the abuse was just that long-standing that he felt he had no power to argue. Ten years later and after continuing experiences I believe more and more that it was the latter.
It hurt him. It still does.
And the most frustrating part was that even the people who had the power to call out the nonsense chose repeatedly to do nothing. People I expected to help only tried to convince me that it was a “them” issue and to just be silent about it. No sense stirring the pot and cause a fuss, my feelings were damages they were comfortable with.
Nothing changed except my trust had ended. It was exhausting and at 16 I had no experience to understand how to deal with it.
There are only two specific people who walk the earth that ever made me question if dealing with the drama of it all was worth staying with my then-boyfriend. One, I valued the opinions of very deeply and we have since worked through much of that rift. The other I am unable to distance myself from, and I never felt supported enough to speak up when it was clear nobody else intended to. On days like today I fear my end of that relationship may always feel at least a little bit black and poisonous. I fear I will always wonder if I was supposed to leave it all behind, even when I know we were stubbornly committed because God wanted us together.
The thing is- I hate the bitterness. I wish more than anything that I could find the place in my heart to truly forgive even though I know it isn’t desired. I wish my eyes weren’t always critical; looking for all the ways I should be upset with them. I have prayed for years and studied bible passage after bible passage about forgiving like Jesus even when it seems undeserved. If I could just let it go it would no longer have power over how I interact now, how I speak (or more often decide not to), how I subconsciously view the people they do treat with kindness and non-judgement.
Truly I have learned a lot about myself in the last ten years. What’s worth the energy & what’s not. For the most part I have identified ways I can steer clear of the things that derail me from moving forward. Unfortunately though this particular struggle still has me tethered because it was a pivotal point in my romantic history; a point where I decided I would not be pushed away by unwelcome actions by people who had no right or authority to treat us as they were. I was not letting go of the good thing that I had with my husband because people beyond his control were too clueless to know they were being toxic. They still don’t know. It seems nobody ever loved them enough to tell them? Or maybe they do know the damage they caused and are just unapologetic.
Either way, here I am dragging myself back to the words of the Bible. I said what I said, did what I did, and I am not apologizing for any of it to anyone but God. I am allowed to have a hurt heart and be broken sometimes.
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” Matthew 18:21-22
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves(A) with compassion, kindness, humility,(B) gentleness and patience.(C) 13 Bear with each other(D) and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.(E) 14 And over all these virtues put on love,(F) which binds them all together in perfect unity.(G)
15 Let the peace of Christ(H) rule in your hearts, since as members of one body(I) you were called to peace.(J) And be thankful.
Colossians 3:12-15
“And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.” Hebrews 10:17
I know it’s not good for me emotionally or spiritually to hang on to my past negative experiences. I know it stands between me and being Christlike. According to a Hopkinsmedicine.org article being unable to forgive can even have consequences on your physical health! Failing to rid myself of the burden of this bitterness battle could lead to my health suffering. I need it to be over.
I need forgiveness to find it’s way into my heart for this person. To wash away the filthy lens so I can view our time together without the weight and influence of our negative past. To heal the painful parts of the memories and establish some trust so I can be truly joyful around them and not faking it anymore.
It’s not my job to apologize for being treated poorly. It’s not my job to enlighten someone who doesn’t value my opinion about how they made a younger, weaker me feel so terrible. It IS my job to take my moments of weakness to God and release them. It IS my job to continually chip away at the pile of bitterness and fill in the cracks with the things that do go well in order to heal and change my long-term attitude. I need to change too.
That’s hard.
Today was hard.
Tomorrow will likely be hard too. That’s okay.
If you have unresolved wars raging in your heart from long-ago bitterness I encourage you to join me in the struggle to build a better way. If, like me today, you stumble and fall into the darkness again, stand up and remind yourself the benefits of true forgiveness. They deserved it in God’s eyes, I suppose they deserve it in mine as well.
Forgiving when it still hurts is rough, but so is failing God by living in that pain rather than leaving it behind. Walk with me through the battle with bitterness. Send me an encouraging reminder to be a more forgiving person!
Praying for you! I am always here to listen and offer support!
-xo Always. Faith
p.s- please if you feel compelled to comment and you know the story- no names!!!!!!! The emotions are a part of my journey & the experiences are mine to share. However, the internet will not be the place for calling anyone out by name. I’m not here to bring shame to them- I’m here to bring healing to me.
