COVID CHRISTMAS: Struggling to Rejoice in Our Weary World

The past few weeks have certainly brought my heart into a state of weariness. After months and months of being in the world of COVID-19 the virus snuck its way into our home, and so has a whole series of other mounting hardships.

For those who don’t know, our household has experienced some major changes in the last three months. My husband’s job, the primary income source for our family at the time, disappeared out from under us. A few short weeks later we welcomed our baby boy into the world and I was off work for maternity leave! This was a blessing for our kids in some ways getting to have both parents home, but the financial implications have loomed over our heads still today.

Fortunately, my workplace has been such a tremendous blessing as they have done their very best to carve out the work hours and things to help our healthcare needs stay covered, and despite the fact that I needed to return much sooner than I had hoped we appreciate immensely the ability to maintain good coverage for us all in these times.

More recently, it appears one or all of us was exposed to COVID-19 and I was first to test positive following a night of fever and a headache. Yesterday, two of my three kids also tested positive. Unfortunately, we couldn’t feel the joy of knowing one of our kids was COVID negative because our middle child Abigail had just suffered a rather unsettling cluster of seizures. I can’t help but feel in my gut that she must have had a false negative or that the coronavirus may have run its course in her little body already, leaving new seizures in its wake.

A little backstory on the seizures: our sweet Abigail began having epileptic seizures somewhere between 6 and 9 months old and at 9 months old was assessed and diagnosed with infantile spasms- a sort of baby epilepsy. We had it controlled for several months and she has been playing catch-up developmentally ever since. In the past few months we have started to notice new kinds of seizures but with COVID it has been much harder to get her evaluated. Last night she had what’s called a ‘cluster’ of seizures where she had several of them in succession. This time the seizures involved her losing muscle tone and going limp, and then she would be normal for a moment, and then her balance and coordination would disappear again, and then back to normal, and so on. This cluster lasted several minutes, and hours later my momma heart is still aching and uncertain about what this means for my sweet innocent baby.

On top of it all, I had recently applied for a job opportunity that I was really feeling God push me towards. It wasn’t a perfect fit but the promise of the income and the nature of the job would have brought stability to our family and an opportunity to tie our household closer to God as well. Unfortunately, yesterday morning I read the notice that the decision had been made that I was not the best candidate for the job. I love my current job and am thrilled I am not leaving it, but I am also experiencing a strange mix of disappointment and confusion at the loss of what seemed to be God’s next move for my life.

To say that with all of this going on it is HARD to get into the Christmas spirit would be an understatement. My soul each year is particularly fed by many of our Christmas traditions and it would appear that COVID-19 and the need to quarantine is going to rob us of almost all of them. We may not get to see anyone outside of our household until after the new year and my heart is just broken for what that means for my kids.

This year hurts. The last few months have been filled with what is starting to feel like an endless stream of stress, strain, and discouragement for us, and I have found myself really searching for what God is doing in the darkness in our lives. What are we being called to do? Why are we being tossed into such frustrating circumstances? How can we use this phase of life to glorify God?

I am still seeking those answers. We are certainly not experiencing the levels of hardship that some have experienced in this COVID stricken world. In fact, in many ways we are lucky and blessed to have survived as well as we have through the past months. We are even excited and optimistic about a new small handyman business venture my husband is starting on that could eventually give a lot of freedom to our family! My heart however just feels so weary, especially after all that yesterday brought on. I am discouraged by the confirmation that I couldn’t keep COVID away until after the holidays. I’m fatigued by the constant stream of bad news. I am confused by the signals I thought I was getting from God.

It’s been cold and dark lately. I am hoping and striving for brighter days moving forward.

Please join me in praying for my family. Pray that COVID runs its course in my little family without symptom complications and that we can soon return to our lives. Pray for direction for myself and blessings over my husband as he looks to build his business in a way that glorifies God and supports us. Most of all please pray over my kids as they do not understand what is going on, and pray specifically over my sweet Abigail that we can get answers and effective treatment to control her seizures.

How can I pray for you? What stories of joy and peace have you found to get you through the dark periods like this? What hope have you found to rejoice to the Lord about?

Please share! I could use the encouragement. ❤️

Love,

Faith